Category Archives: Humour

English Winglish

These are one-liner goof-ups that I’ve collected over the last 25+ years. Believe me, people have actually (and seriously) used these in their day-to-day life.
  1. Writing mein likhke dena padega
  2. Without eggless cake hai   🙂
  3. Benefit ka fayada hi nahin hua
  4. Galati se mistake ho gaya   (Very old & well known!)
  5. Time kya baja hai?
  6. Tumne mujhse jhoota lie bola
  7. Dimag mein brain hi nahin hai
  8. Puncture ki hawa nikal gayee
  9. Fevicol chipak gaya kya?
  10. Superb mazaa aaya
  11. Blouseless sleeve   😉
  12. I am scratching my leather!   (Itchy sensation)
  13. Chance ka mauka nahin dena hai
  14. Bad luck hi kharaab hai
  15. That also comedy became… No?
  16. Monthly charge of Rs.100/- per month applicable (Actually picked this one up from the VSNL tariff page)
  17. Network mein wire nahi hai kya?
  18. Both of you three, get up
  19. Take a round-bottom flask of any shape
  20. Open the windows and let the climate come in
  21. A song from the movie BICHCHOO (Bobby Deol & Rani Mukherjee). The English line sung as part of the song is incorrectly translated from Hindi.
  22. => FIRST LINE in HINDI: Jeevan mein jaane jaana, ek baar hai hota pyaar…
    NEXT LINE in INGLEES: Once you fall in love in life, Once you fall in love…
  23. In the Hindi movie ALBELA Govinda’s favourite “Engliks” dialogue:
    “You Bloody Basket of Flowers!” 🙂
    And he calls Ash: “Madam Memsaab” ;-(

Send me your collection. 😛

Enjoy! 🙂

 

“KINGFISHER Coach”

02092009

This is a picture I took on my way to the office today morning. Check it out, the auto-rickshaw is a “KINGFISHER Coach“, probably owned by Mallya’s gardener. 😛 (Actual picture)

And the main thing – there’s something (horribly + terribly) poetic written above it, which reads as below (copying the punctuation as well):

——————————————
Yes Kyoz Me                  => (Excuse me? Okay, but will I regret it?)

Beauty i Like u
But Not u                          => (Eh? Make up your mind!)
I Like u Lip
But Not Kiss u                   => (Untouchable lipstick?)
I Like u Smile
But Not Love                    => (Desi Elvis, sings “Heartbreak auto-rickshaw“)

– Graazy Boy                 => (Yeah, graze around. No hope!)
——————————————-

Don’t ask me… I’m myself asking, *WHAT*?!

Honk India Honk!

I know, we have quite a few (virtual) reality shows on TV with a similar name. This one is a unique pure reality show, though! 😉

Welcome to THE SHOW OF THE 3rd MILLENIUM! We’ve had contestants from the 2nd MILLENIUM as well, right from the time the vehicle horn was invented. The show wasn’t as competitive, popular & successful then, as much as it is now!

Great? So how do you participate?

Damn simple! If you drive a vehicle in any part of the country, you already are a participant in the phenomenal success of the untold, unregulated & the free-for-all – “Honk India Honk” pure reality show.

Your sole ‘task‘ is to HONK HONK HONK HONK & HONK! (Yeah, jussst make a lot of *NOISE*! If you hit high decibel levels, they stimulate your, as well as other’s vehicles to perform better!) 😉

Tips to give your best “performance:

  • Honk to check if your vehicle’s battery is alive, even with the ignition off.
  • Honk when you start your vehicle, just to check if the battery works. (Though it worked fine to start the vehicle, in the first place.)
  • Honk to get the security guy to open up the gates for you. (Special tip: Repeat again, when you come back.)
  • Honk to call your family & friends (F&F) to get into/onto the vehicle.
  • Honk to just call your F&F to their window/balconies to talk to them loudly from your vehicle.
  • Honk to announce the arrival of your “cavalcade” to all the low-beings on and around the street. MOVE SOME DIRT!
  • Honk to get on to the road from your street; honk to get off the road onto your street
  • Honk to get the vehicles before you to get off the road and make way for the ROYAL YOURSELFNESS!
  • Honk if you’re late for work; honk even if you’re on time. BIG DEAL!
  • Honk angrily if the signal just turned RED. DRATS… *@$%#^!
  • Honk in frustration if the signal doesn’t turn GREEN quickly. WHAT-A-PAIN!
  • Honk impatiently if the vehicles in front of you don’t move quickly when the signal has turned GREEN. DAMN THESE DUMB SNAILS!
  • Honk just to irritate the drivers ahead of you, especially if one of them has given you a dirty look for honking already. WTF! HOW DARE HE/SHE?
  • Honk at the traffic ahead of you; honk at the traffic coming from the opposite direction. SECULAR HONKING!
  • Honk at the cud-chewing cow sitting right in the middle of the road. How come she DOESN’T KNOW that you’re in a hurry?
  • Honk at the guy who just cut your path from the left. WHAT AN A*SEH*LE!
  • Honk at the guy whose path you just cut from the right. WHAT AN IDIOT! Who gave him the license to drive?
  • Honk at the crowded procession ahead of you. BLOODY ANTS!
  • Honk at the large vehicles, honk at the small vehicles. NO DISCRIMINATION!
  • Honk especially where there’s a NO HONKING sign. You score more points for sheer guts!
  • Honk even if the road is empty & there’s no one to honk at. WHERE’S EVERYONE?
  • Honk for NO REASON AT ALL! What the heck!?

More tips, from a popular e-mail in circulation – “Why do you honk your horn?“:

  • Because it is there.
  • It adds auditory colour to the intricate visual tapestry of day-to-day street existence.
  • I bought it; I’m gonna use it.
  • It is part of an essential bat-like sonar echolocation system.
  • I beep, therefore I am.
  • It stimulates milk production in the cows.
  • It scares off potential attackers as I run the gauntlet.
  • My horn switch has only one position.
  • A hammer is to pound things with; a horn… duh!
  • It helps keep me awake. (Popular with over-night bus drivers)
  • Not honking through the fray
  • Without my horn
    • I feel forlorn
    • I beep it all the day
    • I cannot see…
    • How I could be?

If none of the above appease you to participate vigourously – you can also “Honk if you’re lonely tonight“! And/Or just for fun?

Interesting behaviourial explanation: Why we do what we do?

My south-Indian “dhosths”!

After about 6 years in Bengaluru, I am now well conversant with the English pronounciations & “Hinglish” spellings (i.e. Indian/Hindi spellings in English!). Never understood the *logic* and never got any satisfying reason about:  Why are English spellings of Indian words (Hindi, Sanskrit, etc.) spelt differently in south-India, so much that the words lose their actual pronounciations altogether?

Listing some of my observations here:

Observation 1:
South Indians graciously add a “h” (read as “hech“) in word spellings where its not required, and also unceremoniously remove it, from where its (actually) required.

  • दोस्ती (Dosti) becomes धोस्थी (Dhosthi) or दोस्थी (Dosthi)
  • शिव (Shiv – read the full ) becomes Siva (सिवा) & शक्ति (Shakti) becomes सक्थी (Sakthi)
  • खाना (Khana) becomes काना (Kana), and भूख (Bhookh) becomes  बुक (Book)
  • माता (Mata) becomes माथा (Matha) – and, in Hindi (& some other Indian languages), ‘matha’ (माथा) means head/forehead! Jai Matha Stores! (Yeah, it does store!) 😛
  • उमावती (Umavati) becomes उमावथी (Umavathy or Umavathi), and पार्वती (Parvati) ends up as पार्वथी (Parvathy or Parvathi)
  • My colleague at work, Umavathy [Her Royal Highness, the Queen of Mysore state], usually says “Bahut book lagee hai, Kana kaaney jaana hai“. And in response, I typically crack a PJ – “Kaunsa book lagaa? eBook lagaa?… Kana-Matra!” 😀 😉
  • Another “royal statement” by the Queen of Mysore is “Wo baag gaya!” for “Woh bhaag gayaa!“. And the PJ goes – “Which baag? Lalbaug, Cubbon Park or Vrindavan Garden?” 😛 😉
  • When my wife was hospitalized for her delivery in Dec 2003, I made sure that the hospital staff registered my wife’s name correctly as “Swati” (स्वाति) – and not “Swathi” or “Swathy” (स्वाथी)
  • When our princess was born, I again had to forcibly ensure her name’s spelling was recorded as “Stuti’ (स्तुति) and not “Sthuthi” (स्थुथी) or “Stuthy”/”Stuthi” (स्तुथी) in their register & the birth certificate issued by the hospital. Whew!
  • The same kinetic force had to be re-applied a few years later to the old lady who wrote our daughter’s government birth certificate, and yet again to ensure the teacher who registered her name in the school register, during her school admission in Apr 2008, wrote it right!

Observation 2:
Though I don’t approve the spellings treatment as described in Observation 1, I somehow don’t mind the additional “a” to Indian words, to allow the Indian alphabet to be fully pronounced (just as is pronounced in Marathi too, but unfortunately not in Hindi).

  • राम (Ram) becomes Rama (The is to be pronounced full, unlike the way its pronounced in Hindi, where is partially pronounced)
  • महेशहरीश & गिरीश (Mahesh, Harish & Girish) become Mahesha, Harisha & Girisha. (Here the trick is to pronouce the  completely, and not as शा)
  • Similarly with माधव (Madhav) – which ends up as माधवा (Madhava – pronounce the full )

Observation 3:
However, we all know – this additional “a” has  caused a side-effect.

  • Now people read “Rama” as रामा (Raamaa), and Mahesha, Harisha, Girisha & Madhava as महेशा (Maheshaa), हरिशा (Harishaa), गिरीशा (Girishaa) & माधवा (Madhavaa) – respectively.
  • We passed the कालिदास (Kalidas) road last Sunday evening – and on the signboard along the road, it was spelt as “Kalidhasa” (कालिधासा) road. Saw it for the first time, took me a few seconds to get it. 😐

Observation 4:
I’ve also been reading completely new forms of certain words. Well, truly speaking, this actually is the American form of English which has taken over the original British English.

  • Instead of “He hung himself from the fan” – you would read the books & newspapers (including the national ToI) publishing it as “He hanged himself from the fan”.
  • Instead of “The house burnt down”, its “The house burned down”.
  • As well as “He hurted himself…” instead of “He hurt himself…”

Please note, I am well aware of how west-Indians, north-Indians & east-Indians speak Hinglish.

  • I know how my Gujarati relatives “wrap” their favourite “snacks” (I’d better not give the Gujju pronunciation of “wrap” here; for “snacks” they pronounce it as “snakes” (स्नेक्स)) &
  • I know how my Marathi friends learn “कोम्पुटर” (Komputer) instead of “Computers” (कंप्यूटर्स) – and
  • I also know how some north-Indians send their children to “iskool” (इस्स्कूल) and not “school” (स्कूल).

However as you see, these all are pronunciation goof-ups only, and also pertain to individual treatment of the words.

Nevertheless, no offence meant to anyone, listing observations just for fun – nothing official about them! 😉

I have been learning and unlearning all these years… and will continue to do so! 😀

To conclude, my dearest south-Indian dhosths (friends)… See picture below – a token of our dhosthi (friendship) – (I shot this in Fort Kochi [Cochin, Kerala] in Oct 2008) 😉

“Yaaro yehi “dhosthi” hai; Kismat se jo mili hai” – Junoon
(See the video with English subtitles HERE and the actual music video HERE.)

"Yaaro Yehi "Dhosthi" Hai..." - Junoon
"Yaaro Yehi "Dhosthi" Hai..." - Junoon

Microsoft .NET is like James Bond’s cars

An odd comparison?…

“What exactly is the Microsoft .NET Framework?” (Tip: Read .NET as “dot net” – stands for Microsoft .NET Framework (Fx))
=> A typical (basic) interview question you might’ve asked/been-asked, or as a non .NET techie, you would’ve pondered about this question, isn’t it? A curious layman – think of an octogenarian relative/contact (grandpa!) – who’s heard about .NET (or maybe even not!)… He could fox you with such a fundamental question… Especially after you just looked him in the eye & told him that you work on .NET, at the same time as you straightened your shirt collar, or ran your hand over/through your hair.

A (kinda crazy) thought just passed my mind last week, when I was chatting with my friend Hari Krishna, currently a (HSMP) C# developer in London (he hates VB.NET, so explicitly mentioned C#)… Well I thought that the .NET Fx was *just* like a ready-to-use gadgets-fitted James Bond car – specially made-to-order (as per the movie’s script ;-))! 🙂

I understand & agree (Yeah, I seriously do!), the .NET Framework is much much more than what it sounds above, but to a non-techie (or even to the interviewer), he/she gets the basic idea here. (I hope your octogenarian relative/contact (grandpa!) knows Bond as Sean Connery or Roger Moore… or if not, maybe he remembers the Bond girls, viz. Ursula Andress, Tania Mallet, Nadja Regin, Jane Seymour or Lola Larson! ;-)… Hey go easy, you could give him a hard situation at this age! 😉

Back to our  interviewer, he/she could also be impressed that you have given ‘deeper’ (& philosophical?) thought to their ‘question’, than just reply with a (vanillatextbook answer.

I’ll delve in a little deeper… Stick along…

C++ (my alma matter!), is like an old HM Ambassador. Powerful, but with a hard steering wheel & manual transmission. C# (of course, throw in your other favourite .NET compliant languages too) is like driving a nice (relatively) effortless & large Toyota Innova with power steering & auto transmission. 😛  (HK Sir always says he drives an ‘elephant’ in the city! :P)

Obviously, in contrast to the point above, though the Amby is not as fuel efficient as the Innova – increasing the ‘run-time’ costs; a binary built with a C++ compiler-linker is pretty small in size, as well as low & efficient on resources at run-time; in comparison to a C# intermediate language (IL) one. Let’s not get into the differences between a native binary & intermediate language code (IL is ‘supposedly’ OS independent. => ‘supposedly‘ because I’ve not tried porting, yet.).

So – while with a C++ program you have to spend a lot of time & efforts ‘plumbing‘ your code for optimal system resources utilization; C# allows you to focus on the functional issues of your program, rather than bother about the system resources. With the framework providing you with a host of goodies – it further alleviates your focus to the domain of the problem you’re working on through the program.

Isn’t that just like in the James Bond movies – where 007 has fantastic cars fit with special gadgets, specifically designed as per the movie’s script, because 007 uses each & every one of the gadgets it has? Though his cars don’t allow gadgets to be ‘plugged-in’ dynamically if required, he makes optimum use of the gadgets he has, i.e. his resources. He isn’t bothered about the car or the drive; he focuses on fighting the villains he’s chasing, or the ones chasing him, or even to charm his beautiful ladies. (OOPS guys -> Yeh Abstraction hai mere yaar! – Listening to Rahman’s ‘Yeh Delhi hai mere yaar‘ from Delhi 6 while composing this, hence the quote… nevermind!)

Similar to Bond’s cars – the “Framework”… “.NET Framework” (the name is “Bond”… “James Bond”)… makes the developer’s life easy by giving him/her ample ‘gadgets’ (ready to use classes/libraries/controls) – and even allows third-party gadgets (custom classes/libraries/controls) to be dynamically ‘plugged-in’ & put to use without any dev delays. These days the developers are reading more about theoretical concepts like Design Patterns, Architecture & Algorithms – rather than learning the programming language’s ‘grammar’, or as we techies call it, syntax & parameters. Aah, truly RAD! (RAD stands for Rapid Application Development, & not ‘radical’)

So, is this convincing (or pakau) enough now? (Yeah, & I could drag this crap this long to compose such a long post… Eh!)

I do hear the hard-core Java guys (Madhav [Jaba?], Manju, Sukesh!) squealing: “Hey, Java has always been like Bond’s cars!”! Well, Microsoft ‘innovates’ stuff and *markets* all of it sooo well [bang, bang, bang!] ($ rules :-(), can you blame me that I didn’t compare Java here, instead of .NET?

Does an apple a day, keep the “quota” doctor away?

Hope you read about my accident in the previous post. If not, here’s the excerpt:

I had an accident on the 03rd of Mar 2009 at around 22:00 hours, when I was driving my bike back from work. I broke a couple of ribs (minor cracks/fracture, unsure if they can be called “hairline fractures“) when I fell down – as my Bullet, cruising at less than 30 kmph, did not make it out of a deep ditch on Adugodi Road, here in central Bangalore. The front wheel got stuck in the deep crater on the busy road and turned itself to my left, while I was thrown off the bike to my right. I was lucky that the traffic behind me didn’t run over me – it was slow too – and even that the 200 kg bike didn’t crush my right leg!

Next – the doctors & their diagnosis:

    1. The orthopaedic surgeon diagnosed me with 1 broken rib, on seeing the freshly taken X-Ray.
    1. The radiologist’s report said – my rib cage was in perfect condition, no cracks whatsoever. (If only I could transfer my terrible pain to him… Nevermind!)
    1. And, the Puttur Bone Setter I visited later, showed me the two clear cracks in my rib cage X-Ray. To confirm he poked his fingers at both the cracked bones, and I instantly released screams for the excruciating pain I felt. His treatment helped get the cracks filled in, and now I cannot make out where the cracks were, even by poking my fingers in the cage.
  • I visited the bone setter because allopathy (which even otherwise doesn’t have my trust & faith) cannot treat rib cage fractures, except for offering dumb pain killers.

    So was the bone setter better knowledgeable & experienced because of his diagnosis, than the other couple of trained, highly educated masters in medicine/surgery? Or carelessness by doctors?

    This reminds me of Dr. Nitin Powale (BHMS) from my home town Panvel. He is extremely experienced & knowledgeable, though he’s relatively young, in his early 40s most likely. A brief phone call from us here in Bangalore, describing the symptoms to him is enough for him to diagnose the ailment accurately. He then couriers across the tiny sugar pills and within a few days of taking the medicine – the complaints disappear. My whole family has tremendous “trust in the doctor & faith in his medicines”!

    So – how easy or how difficult is it to become a doctor in India? In my personal opinion (IMPO), with the medical institutions becoming purely commercial:

    1. If you’ve got (technically, if your father’s got) lots of money and can a pay huge donation (Oops! Read that as “Development Fees”) – do so & get admitted via the management quota – regardless of your marks.
    1. Then, there’s also the (stupid!) government accredited caste based quota for backward classes/tribes/others – further admitting non-meritorious students. (Yes, of course you can print your own caste certificate, silly!)
    1. Finally, a handful of truly worthy students make it in, to fill in the left-over un-quota’ed seats.
  • Getting admission is the toughest here – and once you’re in (via the money route, or the caste route, or the boring route), passing through the examinations is a breeze. Examinations in India are purely based on how well you can mug up your textbooks and vomit them back on the exam answer sheets. (Nope, no anti-nausea drugs needed – its a metaphor!)

    Not a single patient ever asks the doctor’s mode of getting his/her admission, or his/her scores or the number of exam attempts – before getting treated by him/her. So, attempt the exams multiple times as needed, clear the exams with the bare minimum scores, and “Congratulations – you are a qualified DOCTOR!“.

    Now – to ensure maximum business – drive away all the apple sellers in your shop’s vicinity.